You know when you have a pair of jeans you love and wear all the time, but one day they just don’t fit quite right? You keep wearing them because, after all, they are your favorite pair; however, every week that goes by they feel more and more strange. One day you pull on those jeans and you ask yourself, “Why am I wearing these? I don’t even like them anymore.” My bet is, you put them on anyway.

I have these jeans, this shirt, this job, this hair clip, this set of sheets, this chair, this car, these eating habits…the list of things I have that no longer “fit” is very long.

In contrast, a year ago I cut off my hair and donated it to make wigs for children with cancer; this may not seem like a big deal to you, but if your hair was as important to you and (pathetically) your identity as mine was to me, you’d know what a challenge it was. After that I signed up and trained for a half marathon. If that wasn’t enough, I actually ran the damn thing which was completely unlike me–let me repeat COMPLETELY UNLIKE ME. I think my loved ones were convinced I was losing my mind. My mom even asked if I was having a mid-life crisis.

Curiously enough, I never felt more in my right mind. Neither fear nor complacency was ruling my life, I was. Sadly, I have faltered since then. Hence the jeans and the shirt and the job….

I realized today it’s time again for a deal-changer. I could move my furniture around the house, I could go running, I could do any number of things that would be refreshing but not quite deal-changing. It strikes me that I must do something that scares me if I’m really going to shake up my life. What scares me most (beyond the usual fear of any number of tragic events) is saying something I’m going to do and then not being able to close the deal. I’m a chronic achiever and compulsively responsible to my word; for me to say out loud what I really want for my life is extraordinarily risky. In short, it’s exactly what I need to do.

So, here I go.

-I want a happy, healthy, spiritual, evolving, confident, courageous, compassionate, wise, and generous self.

-I want to actively participate in raising happy, healthy, spiritual, evolving, confident, courageous, compassionate, wise and generous children.

-I want to love my husband with abandon and know he loves me in the same way.

-I want to develop mature, trusted, meaningful friendships with people I admire.

-I want to write a regular magazine column for a respected magazine, something the caliber of O Magazine (Ah hell, I’ll just admit it, I want to write for O magazine).

-I want to publish Wildflowers, A.C.T., and What Can they Teach Us? for a wide, smart, and savvy readership who demand my publisher bring more of my books to market.

-I want to share my knowledge and experience with appreciative audiences large and small, who overwhelmingly call for my return.

-I want to have a financial abundance that leaves significant room for retirement, college funds, a kitchen remodel, hardwood floors, quality area rugs, a wrought-iron banister, beautiful linens, family vacations, an Acura MDX, professional hair care, and charitable contributions that make a difference in the world.

There, I said it. I want it all.

Maybe next time I’ll have the courage to say I will have it all, too.

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